What do you do when your pre-schooler asks you where babies come
from? Do you tell her to go and ask daddy? Or maybe laugh off the question? Or
alternatively tell her that when she is old enough, she’ll understand?
In
as much as this is a topic we would rather avoid altogether, we parents need to
ask ourselves this question – ‘Is it better for our kids to learn about sex
from us or from the kid down the road or maybe from the television or perhaps
social media?’ The truth is that as our kids mature in age, they will begin to
have some very serious questions and if mommy and daddy are too uncomfortable
answering them, they will go looking for answers out there.
Now,
even though we want to be the one providing the right answers for our kids, we
must do so within age appropriate contexts. I have heard of books, which
visually and explicitly describe sex between animals or even between humans,
being used to teach young toddlers. In response to such explicit tools, I will
ask this – At this age, when your kid asks you where babies come from, do you
think he’s really after the sexual details or is he simply interested in the
superficial ‘pregnancy and baby’ factor. I will go with the second option and
would rather keep it simple and basic at this tender age.
Before
going any further, let’s understand that the real sex education begins much
earlier than we realize. For example, you see your one-year old playing with
his penis. What do you do? Look away? Laugh about it? Or gently caution him?
Here’s
another example – You turn on the TV and a musical video involving a man openly
lusting after a scantily dressed girl, is on. Your response to the music is an
indication of whether or not you support the act.
Yet
another example – Your kid walks into the room when you’re naked and
fascinated, tries playing with your private parts. What do you do? At the age
of 3, are daddy and your little girl taking baths together?
Final
example – You and your kid are in a public place and a sexual joke is made. Do
you laugh out loud?
Well,
all these and many more other examples are silent lessons in sex education,
which we unknowingly offer our kids. So, do be careful!
Now
at the tender ages of about 2-3, I believe it shouldn’t be more than maybe
getting the kids to recognize their body parts. Lessons here should be kept
simple and playful because we are not trying to get our kids to make sexual
decisions. We are simply trying to get them to know their body. So for example,
when giving your daughter a bath, you could engage her by saying stuffs like –
‘Let’s wash your armpit before your bum’. That way, you have taught
her what her ‘armpit’ is and what her ‘bum’ is, without putting
unnecessary emphasis on either and without giving either a false name.
However
between the ages of 3 and 5, when your kid is probably wondering where his baby
brother popped out from, you don’t necessarily have to say from heaven. Saying
‘Daddy and mommy made him together and then he stayed in mommy’s tummy until he
was ready to come out’ is probably going to be enough for your kid. That way he
is beginning to learn the reality of sex within his age appropriate context.
Or
maybe you have a very inquisitive 5-year old that pushes you further with the
‘how’ question. You could let him know that mommy and daddy made a baby
together because they love each other in a special, adult way. Don’t shut him
down or fill him with lies. Just keep your answers simple and eventually he
will be done with the questions. Also note that really, at the end of the day,
the stuff you expose your kids to may influence the depth of their questions.
So watch out for even the supposedly harmless cartoons which sometimes contain
content too mature for little eyes and ears. Also, don’t always wait for your
kid to ask the questions. For example, when you are pregnant, carry him along
by regularly chatting him up about the fact that his baby brother is growing in
your tummy.
In
addition, at this tender age (3 – 5 years), with the unfortunate state of our
society, it is important you teach your kid the difference between appropriate
and inappropriate touches. Let her know that her private parts are her private
and off limits, even to familiar aunties and uncles. Again, you can do this
without making a fuss out of it. What is important is for him/her to know just
enough to raise an alarm in case of anything inappropriate.
As
they advance in age, you begin to teach them that all living things reproduce.
As they approach puberty, you begin to take them through what to expect. A bit
later, even the schools will begin to take them up on detailed reproduction
facts and by the time real, pressing questions about sex begin to evolve, be
sure to let them know what your own values are (don’t force them down on them).
For example I would be careful to let my kids know that contrary to the picture
painted by the world of entertainment, sex should be anything but casual and
should actually exist between two married adults who love themselves. I won’t
pretend that there are no protections such as condoms available. Instead, I
will point out that based on my own beliefs and value system, the best type of
protection is abstinence. I would work at getting to them before the world does
That
way, I would have given them the truthful facts so that when they do go out there,
they would appreciate the fact that mommy and daddy didn’t lie to them and they
would also have enough information to make the right decision.
*Do
you know that according to ‘betterhealth’ research shows that…
§ Fathers tend to avoid taking
part in sex education discussions.
§ When fathers do talk to their
children about sex, they limit the conversation to less intimate issues.
§ Mothers are more likely to talk
about intimate, emotional and psychological aspects of sex than fathers.
§ Mothers talk more about sex to
their daughters than their sons.
§ Parents tend to leave boys in
the dark about female sexual issues such as menstruation.
§ Parents may assume the school
system will take care of their child’s sex education, and so choose to say
nothing.
§ Parents may postpone talks
about sex until they see evidence of the child having a relationship
§ Parents tend to show
embarrassed or awkward body language when talking to their child about sex: for
example, avoiding eye contact.
So,
what’s your own take on sex education amongst kids? What do kids need to know
about sex? Do share your own view on the matter. How have you successfully
handled your kids’ inquisitive questions?
