The daily lives of children are not all about
positive feelings. All children have moments of disappointment, discouragement
and self-doubt. In every family, there will be moments of anger and
misunderstanding. In healthy development, children recover from these moments.
Whether on their own or with our support, most children bounce back. Too often,
however, children do not quickly bounce back. Painful feelings linger longer
than they should. Vicious cycles are then set in motion, and bad feelings lead
to bad attitudes and bad behavior. Criticism and punishment lead to anger and
defiance or secretiveness and withdrawal; and then to more criticism; and then
to more defiance and more withdrawal.
Our task, as parents and guardians is to
recognize these moments and begin a process of repair. Children learn
invaluable lessons from moments of repair. They learn that, although it is not
always easy, moments of anxiety, sadness and anger are moments and can be repaired. Disappointments
are disappointments, not catastrophes, and bad feelings do not last forever.
A Pathway Toward Emotional Maturity
We have now opened a pathway toward emotional
maturity. In these moments, children begin to develop a more balanced, less
all-or-nothing perspective on the disappointments and frustrations in their
lives. As a result, they will be better able to "regulate" their
emotions –they will be less urgent in their expressions of distress, less
insistent in their demands and able to think more constructively about how to
solve emotional problems.
Moments of repair may also lead to a reduction
in the level of stress hormones and other stress-related physiological
processes that, when prolonged, are damaging to children's physical and
emotional health.
Ten Minutes at Bedtime
I therefore recommend that parents and guardians
set aside some time, every day (perhaps 10 minutes at bedtime), for kids and
parents to have a chance to talk and to use this time to repair moments of
conflict and misunderstanding. This may be the most important ten minutes of a
child's day.
In these brief daily conversations, we should
ask kids if there is something they might want to talk about –perhaps a problem
he\she is having at school or with friends, something he\she is angry with us
about or what she may be anxious about the following day.
When there has been conflict in our relationship
with our kids, it is especially important for us to take the lead and begin to
repair hurtful interactions. We need to make a deliberate effort to set aside
criticism and judgment as long as we can and hear her side of the story.
Discussion and disagreement, even problem solving, can come later. Don't stay
angry.
I also encourage parents and guardians to take
responsibility for their own emotional responses, acknowledge their errors and,
when appropriate, apologize to their child. (We can say, for example, "I
know I was really angry at you earlier. Maybe I got too angry.")
Some parents express concern that, in
apologizing to their children, they may implicitly condone their child's
disrespectful or defiant behavior and diminish their authority as parents. This
fear is understandable, but unfounded. Our apology does not excuse our child's
bad behavior. ("You still should not have hit your sister.")
In my opinion, when a
parent initiates repair and offers an apology, he has modeled an important
lesson in interpersonal relationships and gains authority
with his child, because our children's acceptance of adult authority is,
ultimately, based on respect.
Of course, children do
not always make this easy. And sometimes we may not know what to say. But our
willingness to make the effort is important in itself.
Patient listening receives far less attention
than it deserves in current parenting debates, in our understandable concern
with children's achievement and character development. In my experience,
however, there is no more important parenting "skill" than this and
nothing we do as parents that is more important for our children's emotional
health –and for their success in life.
Original Article: “The Most Important 10 Minutes
of a Child's Day”
< K. Barish, Ph.D.
